the tide is changing....

I currently feel like I'm going through a mid-life crisis.  Okay, maybe not a crisis.  Maybe it is.  Maybe living the life you're not supposed to live IS a crisis.  Yes, I'm going through a crisis.

Did I think or wish or dream that at the age of 32, I'd be moving back home to live with my mom?  Nope. Where's my husband, house, white picket fence?  Where's my 2.5 kids and my bulldog named Bernice? When am I going to lose the rest of this weight? Can I treat myself while trying to lose weight?  Do I need to put myself on lock-down in order to do so? Where's my life that I see everyone else around me living?    

As you may know, I am currently in a long distance relationship.  I've been with this cutie of a man for 3 years now.  Half way through our relationship, he got a promotion which landed him in Vegas.  This was an opportunity he couldn't pass up.  Some days are completely fine (thank goodness for face time) and then some days are REALLY hard.  And on those really hard days, I can get angry with how my life is turning out - I'll take it out on him, I'll eat pizza, I'll cry, Wonder if this is worth it, etc.  I want a plan, and I want it now.  I'm almost 32 and I'm not getting any younger!

Guess what Kristin?  Life isn't a straight line to happiness.  There are bumps, mountains and hills and VERY curvy roads.  I should know this by now.  If anyone should know this, it'd be me!  So put on your big girl pants and quit your bitchin!

So here's what I've decided to do.  My lease to my apartment is up at the end of July and I'm moving back home, with the hopes of within a year - moving in with the boy and not having to break a lease.  Moving to Vegas?  Him coming home?  We don't know yet, but I have to stay positive that everything is going to work out.  I know he's the one and we're gonna figure it out.  In the meantime, I get to spend more time with my mom, pay some things off and save some money.  I think it's a win win for myself.

When it comes to the weight loss - I've lost 100 pounds and I've been pretty steady at that number for almost 2 years.  Which is great!  If I didn't want to lose any more weight.  So what do I have to do?  Learn balance.  Balance certainly does not mean not working out for a week and drinking a whole bottle of wine on a Thursday night proceeded by a very large pizza Friday afternoon.  Which is what I did last week.  I need to realize that working out makes me feel better - mentally as well as physically.  I know this - I just need to remember it when I'm thinking "I need a break."  Doing good things for myself makes me happy. Why is it so hard to remember that?  

I also need to start doing ALL the things I want to do.  Just because one part of my life is on hold doesn't mean that my entire life gets put on hold.

It's time for more of this:

Balance
Positivity
Reading
Movie Watching
Traveling
Meditation
Working on my relationships with other people
Exercise
80/20 life style when it comes to food.
Yoga (I've been obsessed with it since I was 12.  Time to take a REAL class)
Loving myself - who I am. Right now. In this moment.

and it's certainly time for less of this:

Negativity
Anger
Doubt
Worry

I'm totally over it.

How did I get here?

I remember being 10 years old.  My mom and dad surprised me with a limo in front of our house.  We were  going to Wrigley Field to see the Cubbie's play.  It was hot and I was wearing shorts.  I remember looking down at my thighs and then turning to my mom and saying "Tomorrow I'm going on a diet."  At the age of TEN.

For the next 20 some odd years I had a countless number of "Tomorrow's" or "Monday's."  I did Atkins (which definitely worked but couldn't stick to), I counted fat grams, I logged my food, I marched with Kathy Smith, and I even sweat with Richard Simmons a few times.  Nothing ever seemed to stick.

In January of 2010 my sister Katie and I signed up for a membership at a gym.  I would go..and then not go... go and then not go.  One day I just stopped not going.  I wish I could give you the EXACT thought or moment or event that changed my thinking pattern but I don't remember what it was.  I was just tired of failing.  At EVERYTHING.  I knew there was more to life than what I was living.  

I woke up every day at 4:45 am and drove the 15 minute drive to the gym.  I would walk on the treadmill for 45 minutes and then drive home.  As that became routine, I started eyeing the elliptical machine.  I got on it once and barely lasted 5 minutes.  That 'ish was HARD but I was determined.  As the days would go by, I would up my time on the elliptical by a minute and would spend the rest of the time on the treadmill.  I finally worked my way up to 45 minutes on that evil thing and was so proud of myself.  Eventually I worked my way up to an hour.  I did that every day, 6 days a week.  That elliptical machine saved my life.

As far as food goes.  That was and is STILL a work in progress.  I LOVE to eat.  I eat when I'm happy, sad, tired, angry, stressed - anything - you name it, let's eat!  I was/am an emotional eater.  I ate my feelings and back then I had A LOT of them!  So I started with baby steps.  Instead of consuming an entire pizza by myself, I would have 3 or 4  slices and a salad. Instead of the double cheeseburger, large fry, large onion ring, and a milkshake from Portillos, I got a chopped salad.  And yes, I ate that delicious muffin that came with it.  I made smarter choices.  Not necessarily the best ones, just SMARTER ones.  Because of those changes, and with exercise the weight started to come off.  The results made me want to push harder.  I was determined.  Nothing could stop me.  There wasn't any food you could put in front of me at that time - I would say absolutely not!  I had a goal I wanted to reach.  That goal was to lose 75 pounds by July for my birthday and I was going to do it!

And I did it :)  However, I then proceeded to schedule every bad food I hadn't had in the past 6 months for the week after my birthday. Chicken wings, pizza, mac and cheese, etc.  I clearly thought rewarding myself with food was the right thing to do.  I'm pretty sure I didn't finish that week of eating all that garbage because I felt like complete crap from it.  I got back into my routine and away I went.

With the weight loss, came a new found confidence.  With that confidence came slacking.  I thought "One night of<insert junk food here>" wouldn't hurt me.  Between July of 2011 and March of 2012, I gained about 30 pounds of it back.

During the time of me gaining the weight, my sister was actually starting to take control of her own journey which REALLY helped me get my act together again.  In May of 2012, I joined Katie with her trainer and I went back to go-mode.  I even put myself on weigh watchers which really helped me get back on track with my eating.  By February of 2013, I had lost those 30 I put back on plus another 25.  I had officially lost 100 pounds.  I was 187.  Proudest moment ever!

Now since that 100 pound loss, I have teetered back and forth with my weight.  I have been as low as 179 and been back up again into the 190's.  The last time I looked at the scale I was 180, but I'm currently on vacation :)  I've been in a "plateau" if you will for over a year.  Not because my body is so used to my hard work. Nope.  It's because I'm still working on my addiction to food.  While I am ten THOUSAND percent better than where I was was, I still have not mastered the balance.

I have more weight to lose and I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do next.  I'm finding it harder in my social life to say no to "treats" than ever before.  Cutting them all out completely just seems to lead to binges.  However, I also know that at this stage of the game I can't go out once a week and drink and eat whatever I want.  Can you have treats? Do I have to go all hard core again until I reach my goals?  The most frustrating thing I think is that there isn't one right answer.  Every body is different and reacts to things differently.  We're all going to reach out goals in different ways.  What works for me may not work for you and vice versa.  Which in all honesty is driving me a little bat shit crazy.

What I do know for sure is that I will never stop fighting to try to figure out what it is.  When I was almost 300 pounds there was no joy. No life.  How can there be when you're trapped in your own skin?  I know that life is meant to be LIVED. It's meant to be full of laughter and light and oh-so-much love.  That's what keeps me going.  We're worth it.