For the next 20 some odd years I had a countless number of "Tomorrow's" or "Monday's." I did Atkins (which definitely worked but couldn't stick to), I counted fat grams, I logged my food, I marched with Kathy Smith, and I even sweat with Richard Simmons a few times. Nothing ever seemed to stick.
In January of 2010 my sister Katie and I signed up for a membership at a gym. I would go..and then not go... go and then not go. One day I just stopped not going. I wish I could give you the EXACT thought or moment or event that changed my thinking pattern but I don't remember what it was. I was just tired of failing. At EVERYTHING. I knew there was more to life than what I was living.
I woke up every day at 4:45 am and drove the 15 minute drive to the gym. I would walk on the treadmill for 45 minutes and then drive home. As that became routine, I started eyeing the elliptical machine. I got on it once and barely lasted 5 minutes. That 'ish was HARD but I was determined. As the days would go by, I would up my time on the elliptical by a minute and would spend the rest of the time on the treadmill. I finally worked my way up to 45 minutes on that evil thing and was so proud of myself. Eventually I worked my way up to an hour. I did that every day, 6 days a week. That elliptical machine saved my life.
As far as food goes. That was and is STILL a work in progress. I LOVE to eat. I eat when I'm happy, sad, tired, angry, stressed - anything - you name it, let's eat! I was/am an emotional eater. I ate my feelings and back then I had A LOT of them! So I started with baby steps. Instead of consuming an entire pizza by myself, I would have 3 or 4 slices and a salad. Instead of the double cheeseburger, large fry, large onion ring, and a milkshake from Portillos, I got a chopped salad. And yes, I ate that delicious muffin that came with it. I made smarter choices. Not necessarily the best ones, just SMARTER ones. Because of those changes, and with exercise the weight started to come off. The results made me want to push harder. I was determined. Nothing could stop me. There wasn't any food you could put in front of me at that time - I would say absolutely not! I had a goal I wanted to reach. That goal was to lose 75 pounds by July for my birthday and I was going to do it!
And I did it :) However, I then proceeded to schedule every bad food I hadn't had in the past 6 months for the week after my birthday. Chicken wings, pizza, mac and cheese, etc. I clearly thought rewarding myself with food was the right thing to do. I'm pretty sure I didn't finish that week of eating all that garbage because I felt like complete crap from it. I got back into my routine and away I went.
With the weight loss, came a new found confidence. With that confidence came slacking. I thought "One night of<insert junk food here>" wouldn't hurt me. Between July of 2011 and March of 2012, I gained about 30 pounds of it back.
During the time of me gaining the weight, my sister was actually starting to take control of her own journey which REALLY helped me get my act together again. In May of 2012, I joined Katie with her trainer and I went back to go-mode. I even put myself on weigh watchers which really helped me get back on track with my eating. By February of 2013, I had lost those 30 I put back on plus another 25. I had officially lost 100 pounds. I was 187. Proudest moment ever!
Now since that 100 pound loss, I have teetered back and forth with my weight. I have been as low as 179 and been back up again into the 190's. The last time I looked at the scale I was 180, but I'm currently on vacation :) I've been in a "plateau" if you will for over a year. Not because my body is so used to my hard work. Nope. It's because I'm still working on my addiction to food. While I am ten THOUSAND percent better than where I was was, I still have not mastered the balance.
I have more weight to lose and I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do next. I'm finding it harder in my social life to say no to "treats" than ever before. Cutting them all out completely just seems to lead to binges. However, I also know that at this stage of the game I can't go out once a week and drink and eat whatever I want. Can you have treats? Do I have to go all hard core again until I reach my goals? The most frustrating thing I think is that there isn't one right answer. Every body is different and reacts to things differently. We're all going to reach out goals in different ways. What works for me may not work for you and vice versa. Which in all honesty is driving me a little bat shit crazy.
What I do know for sure is that I will never stop fighting to try to figure out what it is. When I was almost 300 pounds there was no joy. No life. How can there be when you're trapped in your own skin? I know that life is meant to be LIVED. It's meant to be full of laughter and light and oh-so-much love. That's what keeps me going. We're worth it.
